I am ... Failing

    At the time I'm writing this, we just finished our weekly second degree brown belt meeting. Now that we're coming close to the end of the year there has been a lot of talk about our grading on December 3rd. Sifu Was trying to have us share our progress with the rest of the group. There was some great discussion that went on with the people that did talk in the time that we had, and even though I did have my camera off I was listening to every word, but that's not my point here. My point was that I didn't say a word, even though I was called out directly because I haven't put out a single blog post this year. I decided to keep silent, in hopes that I could write this post afterwards and convey my thoughts in a much more structured setting, rather than my usual attempt at public speaking, usually having myself lose my train of thought after one to two sentences. I thought that this would get the point across in a much more sensible manner, as well as a good excuse to put  out my first blog.

    I am not on track to pass the I Ho Chuan this year. I have not been sharing my progress with anyone but myself, and the reason for that is because there isn't much to share. I'm not sharing because I'm not training. Back in February when we first started I believe I got some Headway in terms of my numbers, and then, I'm not quite sure why, but I just stopped. The requirements were in the back of my mind, but I ignored them. I put them off thinking to myself that it would be fine if I did it later. “I got a year right?” Are the words that I told myself as the excuse to stop training. It's not like this is the first time that I've done something like this before either: the seven days in the life of the I Ho Chuan is a good example of that. It extends even passed kung fu, when back in school I wouldn't do anything for project until the night before, pushing all my effort into one last push before the deadline, or in my personal life, I don't get anything done until the last minute because I think I have all the time in the world until the last few moments where the Panic truly sets in, and I scramble like a madman to get it done. In a sense, you could say that I'm running a scorched-earth policy, but in a way that benefits no one. I could view this year like taking care of a plant. I've been given the tools required to take care of it and I ignore them.The plant sits there, eagerly waiting for me to deliver the food and water that it needs to live, but in my mind I've already dismissed it as an unimportant task, dismissed to the side lines.The plant Withers away as I continue to ignore it, that is until they want to see the plant. If you know where this story is going, you'll already know the plant is not in a good state. They set a deadline and my only reaction is panic. I try everything, food, water, sunlight, but nothing works. the plant won't recover in time no matter how hard I try. The deadline approaches, and I feel a sense of dread and regret as I know I'll have to present my failure to them… The plant is my mastery.

    We're 9 months into the year and I have achieved so little comparatively. I know I'm not supposed to be comparing my training to another person, but I believe the bassline of the entire group should be a reasonable goal to accomplish. I am failing as of right now. I don't believe I have enough time to fix that before grading. I don't believe that I'll be passing this year, and even if by some Stroke of Luck I do pass the grading, I don't believe I should. Kung fu has not been a high priority for me this year, far from “the” priority, and not high on the list of being “a” priority. The reason I didn't progress as far as I should have this year is entirely on me, I know it's because of my bad habits, and my way of approaching tasks that I am where I am right now. I know Brinker has tried a lot in order for us to succeed, and at nearly every weekly meeting, he tries to get us to share our progress. The reason I don't speak up at these meetings is because I don't have anything positive to share. there's no notes that I have on what I'm working on, there's no new and exciting thing that's happening in my training. I don't talk because the only thing that I can say is how much I suck. there hasn't been anything that I have been doing to try and improve that, so what benefit does it bring to the table if I do. I join Zoom meetings surrounded by people that actually try, and genuinely have the willpower to succeed. I feel as though if I were to open my mouth and start talking about how much of a disappointment I am, I would only be considered a hindrance to the team. 

    Not feeling great right now, both emotionally and physically, I am a little sick right now. When the congestion clears up and my condition improves, I know I'll have to start training again. I don't quite know when that will be, and I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. What I do know is that I have to do at least something, anything. Let's hope at least it moves me in the right direction...